This morning waking up was very hard.
I knew I wanted to sleep more but all of what would follow were my choice so I decided that I must rise. Oh, how much tiredness!
I need to find the tools to use today to make it through.
I have to deal with fatigue.
Grief for the things I missed. The anger for the non-cooperative people at the start of my day. Small accidents and mostly stress -fear- for the coming unknown.
Seems like it is a choice to feel bad, because I am alone and "hanging" (the bodily feeling of void, like the one when the car hovers over a hole on the asphalt or the funfare train -leading to panic) and signals fear and insecurity. Either that or am I feeling bad in the form of anger and disappointment (the feeling of that "knot", weight, tightness, when after fatigue ends up to be slumber and denial of motive -leading to resignation) because my many or important needs of mine, are not met.
Crucial questions:
Oh-oh. What happend now, is it serious? Am I going to pay for it dearly?
Maybe I should not have done that?
Was I out of line?
Or, If I don't do it, maybe there is no point to anything any more?
Choose your poison... :(
So am invited to decide how my day is going to turn out in a way that will not worsen my difficutlies, my behaviour so that I may even feel better at a later time.
HOW?
Should I try... chemistry?
Should I try behavioural tricks?
Should I use silence or connecting?
At this moment, I just don't know. I am in a state of stress and the first thing I will be doing is to take three deep breaths. I'll start with my body, telling it I am not in imminent danger and I will go forward to schedule all of it after a cool: "... ok, SO..."
I will look back to the knowledge I have about anxiety. I have learnt that there will be days that I will just not be able to cope, and that I just need to accept. Biorhythms. I remember that others are not in direct control of my emotions and as such they are not obligated to meed my Needs. Also, I just noticed that I am in a state of authoritarianism (ok... a bit, I guess). That also just reminded me how stressed I am.
So, what do I really want?
Do I want to be in the right and the rest of the world in the wrong? I want to satisfy the child within me, as a signal for a difficult reality? Or do I just want to feel cared for, by someone else making sure that everything is going to be alright? Or do I just want to play, or sleep, or just daydream looking out the window to a awesome vista?
Really, do I have time for ME?
Meaning of course time that I do not "give away" to screens of any tipe, of course.
So the question is, why can't I do all these if I need them?
What threatens me and forbids?
Which of these things I do with my life is my choice and which are obligations?
Can I make small pockets of self-care?
Firstly I will have to take care of the senses, so that they receive more pleasurable signals.
On taste, I will drink and eat something comforting (quality, not quantity. the latter never works).
On hearing I will listen to music befiting the emotion I am now, and slowily I will displace it to musical pieces that will take me to where I want to go emotionally.
On vision there are SO many things I can do, as the whole world is made for that. Starting from the extroverted "seeing others" to the introverted enjoying a view, a picture, an inspirational signal.
On smell, I just put on some parfume or smell what signals to me care. Maybe the smell of another...
And lastly I embrace if I can, while if I cannot, I wear somthing that offers me, reminding me, the feel I need.
Yes, so many questions and effort. Still, the longer I allow them and answer them honestly, the more I observe myself. The more I observe myself, it is like flipping the light switch, if for a moment, in a dark and unknown room, that I need to cross. I take a peek to what is in there, where it is and how I can avoid hurting myself by bumping on the them. It may not be enough, but it IS something. Somtheing that will resemble the daytime;
and the daytime needs LIGHT, at least.
In a haze, others with coffee, others with juice, others with water, we wake to live the next day of our lives.
Let's make that count, as a day that we managed to have on our side.