I was sittting on the sofa.
I had ten things to do .
I wanted to do none of them.
One or two of them were actually quite important and urgent.
I pushed the button to switch on the tv and instead of putting on that film I wanted to see for ages now, I turned to a... soap-opera.
I pulled down from the cupboard, some snacks.
"Great! I just threw away a couple more hours of my life".
When I realised what I had done, I understood that I was flirting with depression.
Then I thought I should do something.
I got up and went to the kitchen, looked around, then to the balcony, to the bedroom, even to the bathroom. In my despair I thought of taking a shower so maybe the running water would fix my mood; it's the way the water flows on my body that does it. I got undressed in a mechanical way and got under the flow. The shower lasted way longer than I expected. I left the water running for a long time and then felt financial and ecological guilt. Nevermind, it was something. I felt marginally better. As I was wrapping myself with the towels I thought of putting on some music. Music is always comforting. But... what? And where would I listen to it? On the mobile it will sound like a screeching ant. I can't use headphones, I have water in my ears and I haven't got any swabs... darn I need to go to the market... *sigh*! How about on the television? On the radio? Any poop will be flung from those blabbermouths. I don't think I can handle that. Maybe if I put on my favourite station and there is something uplifting. That usually works when I'm getting ready for a night out and sometimes on the way to work. Let's go turn on the radio and we see.
Well, such luck! "Happy" by "Farrell Williams is on. There is no single more uplifting song! Hey, sure there's the "Macarena" but this one has it in the title. This always works! I've ended up dancing like a doofus the other day in the middle of the street while the people around me were looking at me funny. Well, here I'm safe. I let it play for five seconds before I start getting nauseous! I immediately turned it off. I want to... but it just doesn't work! Though, I am sure if I let it on for another minute, I'd end up dancing to it... BUT I JUST DON'T WANT TO! What's happening to me? Do I actually want these blues? Do I want to feel like this? No? Bottom line, why is this happening to me? Maybe if I call somebody? But what would I tell them? Do I know? As if _I_ know what's happening to me? I don't even know if I want to change it.
Well, maybe I'm hungry again. All I've had since morning is a coffee. Oh, not really, I had that snack. Anyway... what's in the fridge? Naa, nevermind, I want to eat and don't at the same time... What should I do?!
I can't stand feeling like whatever it is that I am feeling!
In desperation, I open the lists of songs on my mobile and put on the headphones -and que sera, sera- starting one of the sadest songs I've got. I'm tired of fighting this darkness. I might as well embrace it. I close my eyes. In the first few notes, without anyone around me, goose-bumps. In the first minute, tears. By the third minute, crying. And again, the song in repeat. And again, and again until I'm exhausted. At sometime, my mind gets away from me to what the lyrics mean. And then I ponder to what the next song should be, and then the next. At another time my tears run dry and I get excited that I feel something specific instead of the mush. Then, as by chance I press on "random" and there comes "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin. My finger is hovering on "next". Bottom-line: Does it matter? Whether I listen to it or not, for some reason it's turn came in "random mode" but I can now actually decide what the next thing I do will be.
That's enough for me, for now.
Later, we'll see.
And then "later" came.
Really, what happened to me? Was I depressed? Very likely.
Well, since I did think to deal with it and oppose it, why didn't I manage it? Didn't I want to feel better? I guess not. While I was in no mood for anything, it makes sense that I was in no mood to change "something" even if that was my mood.
What was I saying to myself at that moment? What was going through my thoughts? Something clear? No, no clear though. More of a feeling of apathy, disappointment, indolence, maybe anger... maybe resistance. It felt like I had in me an animal that is fighting with taut legs while it's been taken to the vet. It's for it's own good but... "I don't care what you're telling me bub, I AIN'T going anywhere!" while it desperately looks left and right where it can escape. I was stuck in the mixture of feelings of the moment and I would not budge for any reason.
So what did I do? I followed the flow of feelings. Instead of "don't get angry, don't feel sorry", I told myself "DO IT, and do it consciously. Live it and instead of being afraid of it, give it space and accept it!".
Consequences? I went further. I may not have resolved the problem as I would imagine, but I got out of the dead-end, that misty cul de sac. I got out of the quicksand.
Now I can see there is an "after".
There will be times when my biorhythms won't be able to handle what I have programmed to do.
There will be times when my supports will bend -or even break.
There will be times when I will have made a mistake or two or more in my calculations.
Well, that's also ok. If I've just lost the train, then the problem is even bigger than the 1 minute delay. There is a reason they say "if you're just on time, then you're already late". As imperfect creature we need "time and space". We need margins for our imperfections, for the mush of our feelings, for the complications of our relationships.
So, next time I will "miss the swell". the "wave of my mood, instead of frantically chasing after it, causing an extended failure, I will aspire to just wait for the next one.
Now, I know that temper is not a permanent condition, unless I feed it back.